For You

Love I Needed Descended Away

There are some days when I forget you, days when you never cross my mind.  They’re rare, but they happen and the best part is when I’m not even aware.  I get to work early so I can watch the doors just in case you show up looking for me.  I know you wont, but I can’t help looking for you.  I haven’t had anyone worth moving on to, anyone who could take my attention and my affection, and claim me all their own like I wanted you to.

I can’t keep carrying this grief with me; it’s wearing me down.  But you’re worth it, you always have been, you have to be.  Just once I have to be justified.  When I turn out the lights and talk to you in the dark, the way I still hold your hands when I go to sleep, when I whisper I love you to no one.  I don’t expect your name when I get an email.  I don’t hope it is you when I answer the phone.

Every chance I‘ve taken with someone who does for me what you did has shot me down.  I’ve been shot down too many times before you and after you, I can’t keep doing it, I can’t keep looking for something I’ll never get back.  Maybe something I never really had, only in my mind, only in my heart.

I agonize over you, telling myself that it’s better than feeling nothing at all.  I’m not desired, I’m not loved, and I’m not pursued.  I’ve just been used.  Discarded.  Told that I’m not seen the same way I see others.  You are all I have left and you’re not even here.

And I’m here, writing letters that will never be read.

Love,

            Dane